FUCKs of 2009: 1. jail 2. xanax 3. court fees 4. this semester ending up a complete disaster because of my stubborn ways 5. laziness getting the best of me 6. probation 7. probation 8. the transition of having a job/ making tons of money to being fucking broke right before the holidays 9. probation 10. our messy apartment 11. gaining weight 12. no motivation 13. lesbians hitting on me 14. cody dicking around on myspace... again 15. skinny girls who say they eat a lot when they either a.)starve b.)barf c.)diet pills d.)all the above 16. waking up at 5:30am to fight traffic to get to class 17. horrible, damp, cold weather 18. my professors this semester 19. being pale 20. probation
MY GOALS FOR SPRING 2010: 1. mind - start writing more, maybe even a book- it doesn't have to be finished by any amount of time, but it should be quick before i lose interest. probably a fictional autobiography. -read a book, interesting book every 2 weeks -take a photo a day
2.body -gym 3 to 5 days a week at least 60 min each time -GW by january: 95lbs. -vegan -no candy/ treats except on special occasions -no more smoking- i guess try to cut back but we shall see -get rid of half of my clothes, things, etc.-- i hate clutter
3. future -apply to nursing schools by the end of this semester -all As in every class, no exceptions -apply to social work program by end of this semester -keep the job i have
4. other alternatives -texas state -move back downtown (i dread packing/unpacking/ living in the city) -find a cruise ship to work on -pastry school
5. money -i've had fun being careless, now its time to be responsible
I can do everything on this list with ease. It's going to be weird having a routine again
Tomorrow: 1. Sign up for class 2. Xmas presents 3. Find a book, damnit
B is for booze of choice: Pina Coloada or Cabo Wabo Ritas
C is for career: Working on it dude... Here's what I've got so far. nurse practitioner then join the peace corps for 2 years
D is for Dad's name: He goes by Bill, but it's really William
E is for essential items to bring to a party: candy and drinks. and duh.. Mexican food from work
F is for favorite song at the moment: Drake- Best I ever had
G is for favorite game: Dominoes
H is for hometown: New York, New York (95th and Madison)
I is for instruments you play: I really, really want to learn to play the harp, because it is so soothing, and I want to be able to put my babies to sleep playing and singing for them (when I have babies, that is).
J is for jam or jelly you do not like: yum
K is for kids: I hope to have a flesh and blood but adopting would be equally badass.
L is for living arrangements: 1 bed 1 bath apartment in Houston
M is for mom's name: Cheryl.
N is for name of your pet: Saylor
O is for overnight hospital stays: Blah.
P is for phobias: I am really scared of roaches and ghosts, haha, that looks ridiculous on paper.
Q is for quotes you like: "Worry is the misuse of imagination" Saw it ona sign on a church I drive by everyday, and right now it's kind of my mantra to get me through this job thing...
R is for religion: Christian, not sure.... I don't think that's an important question
S is for favorite soda: Sprite
T is for time you wake up: Dude I'm so not a morning person it's 2am right now, ha
U is for umbrella: worthless
V is for vegetable you love: I love all vegetables, but my fave is definitely avocado, i could eat it on anything, seriously.....
W is for weapon of choice: knumbchucks
X is for x-rays you've had: The usuals (teeth), but also on my back when I broke my coccyx on a concrete floor, legs, arms, wrists, collar bones
Y is for yummy foods you make: Desserts are my favorite to make, and a make pretty badass salads.
all i can control is my eating. i'm sickly addicted to my own flesh and bones and muscles sticking out. my body is taking a tole and i just want to be normal. but i strive to "look" like a perfectionist. outsiders could never comprehend how much i struggle with food everyday it's just inconceivable how guilty i feel. i promised myself it would never get this bad. and now it has and the fear i have that it's too late to ever think semi "normal" is completly out of the question which makes my eat even more dangerously. as this fucking disease (my hidden side) progressively spiral out of control, on the other hand, my grades, outward appearance and work ethic improve. they both play feed in to each other. the more i starve the harder i work. The more i work, the hungrier i get till it's a huge binge and i feel like i have no self-control. i feel like i'm doomed and a huge hazard to myself . i really don't feel like many people understand me, even those who suffer from eating disorders. i doubt many people understand what it's like to struggle with food and feel guilty every second of the day. i'm seeing a therapist as of Thursday. she told me to journal more. however, other than that simple suggestion. she seems like a retard and the only reason i am going is because my DAD expressed concern about my weight loss. (size 0's are now to big on me). i still feel awkward, not fat, just like my stomach always sticks out when i eat. even salad. these are toxic fucking ideas. why am i caught up in this vain bullshit. HELP